By Graham Flashner Looking to conserve energy in his quest to break Babe Ruth?s home run mark of 714, Barry Bonds has announced he will no longer run the bases. Instead, a designated runner will stand at home plate and sprint to first base the moment Bonds makes contact, and will remain on base should Bonds get a hit. Frustrated by his inability to pass the Bambino, Bonds has become increasingly fatigued. He has hit only 6 home runs, and blames base running for wearing him down. ?How many times can you take off on a 3-2 pitch, and return to the base because somebody fouls off the ball?? Bonds said. Last week, while standing on second base, Bonds was heard snoring between pitches, and Bonds admitted that running the bases has become so tiring that ?I nap in left field when a left-handed batter is up.? Earlier in the month, Bonds was embarrassed by the Dodgers? Jeff Kent after not running out a pop fly that Kent deliberately dropped. ?I?m not doing my team any good on the basepaths,? Bonds declared. ?No one?s paying to see a 41 year-old guy with bad knees run.? Commissioner Bud Selig, who made a strangled noise in his throat when informed of Bonds? request, declined comment. According to Giants manager Felipe Alou, the runner would be positioned directly behind Bonds and would only be allowed to run on contact. If the experiment goes well, the runner could even be deployed alongside Bonds in left field, to chase down balls hit down the line or in the gap. In another surprise development that was to air in the now-cancelled ESPN reality series, ?Bonds on Bonds?, the slugger took part in a s?ance with renowned paranormal expert John Williams, hoping to conjure up the ghost of Babe Ruth. According to Williams, Ruth did communicate from the great beyond, and Bonds thought he heard the Babe admit to using ?the cream and the clear.? But Williams later confirmed that the Babe was referring to ?ice cream and beer.? Bonds had no comment. The preceding article is a work of satirical fiction.