By Buster Gunning In a recent victory over the Boston Red Sox, which saw an estimated 400 ?fans? in attendance at best, avid Devil Rays fan Robert Nickle was embarrassingly denied access to the lower levels to view the extra-innings win. "There was nobody there," exclaimed Mr. Nickle. I?ve seen more fans at equestrian events. Not horse racing you know, but the actual contests where the horses jump around and trot and stuff.? (I don't know why Mr. Nickle is knocking equestrian events to prove his point. I've seen equestrian events that would blow your mind.) ?I have been a Rays fan from the beginning!" According to Nickle, he holds the distinction of being the only existing Devil Rays? season ticket holder. ?After all I have given that team, the way they embarrassed me by turning me back to the 300 level, for goodness sakes, the seats were empty, the Kleineman Bar Mitzvah didn?t even show!? Records show the announcement referring to the Kleineman Bar Mitzvah party was the only group to show up during the day?s birthday/events on the Devil Rays Tyrano-Vision screen. Suzanne Jenkins, a part-time waitress, was the attendant who would not allow Nickle access to the lower levels. ?My job is to protect the lower levels from people like him. If we allow people to sit wherever they want chaos would certainly follow. Besides, from my viewpoint there didn?t seem to be a lot of seats available for that particular gentleman anyway.? The Devil Rays? representatives declined to comment publicly on the incident, however, it is reported that Mr. Nickle was given an estimated 10,000 free tickets per game for the remainder of the Devil Rays? season as a sign of goodwill. The Kleineman family also refused to comment on their no-show. Your stories of lawsuits involving moustaches are welcome at: [email protected] The preceding article was a piece of satirical fiction.