by graham flashner The baseball world was startled earlier this week when Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez divulged that he is in therapy and happy with the results. Recently, RealGM came into possession of notes written by A-Rod?s therapist following the sessions, which took place during the 2004 season. The therapist has since disowned the notes and claims they are the work of someone close to Jason Varitek, but we stand by them. 4/5: Patient reports feelings of disorientation and anxiety while getting dressed for Opening Day. Episodes brought on by donning of pinstripes. Has early memory of father coming home from work in pinstriped suit, yelling at his mother, then leaving house for good. Was father a Yankee-hater? Must pursue this further. 4/8: Patient distressed over first error of season at third base, a position Patient says he last played in sandlot ball as a child. Patient seems fixated on ?Golden Boy? teammate who occupies Patient?s former position. Patient says Golden Boy can do no wrong in media. Patient upset that that the man who signs his paychecks did Visa commercial with Golden Boy but has yet to approach Patient with similar offer. Note to self: I am worried about Patient. 4/24: Patient declares he?s ?not good enough? after getting one hit in weekend series in Boston. Claims I added to problem by agreeing with him. I realize that ?tough love? approach may not work. 5/22: Patient still owes me for April sessions. Sheepishly said he was ?a little short? this month but would take care of it. Patient insisted that $25 million a year after taxes, agent commissions, and car payments leaves him with just enough money to feed his family. Patient saw horrified look on my face and said he was just making a Latrell Sprewell joke. I did not know who that was. 6/7: Patient heard first boos in New York Says he does not fit in and that he would never have left Texas if a fellow named Chan Ho Park had pitched the way he was supposed to. Patient exhibits signs of passive-aggressiveness and low self-worth. It?s always someone else?s fault. 7/3: Patient continues to be obsessed with Golden Boy, who leaped into stands to make diving catch to save game against Red Sox. Patient complains that if he had made the same catch, no one would?ve cared as much. Patient also admitted that diving into stands is not his style, as it would mess up his complexion. Patient cannot seem to feel good about himself no matter how well he plays. I asked him if he had any regrets about not signing with Mets. Patient refused to talk to me for rest of session. 7/4: At last, a breakthrough session. I casually mentioned that his former team, the Texas Rangers, was having its best season in years. Calculated move to take Patient inside his deepest fears. Worked like a charm. Patient showed stunning flash of insight: ?Every team does better after I leave. Seattle won 116 games the year after I left.? Patient then dissolved into tears and was inconsolable, until I reminded him that Seattle did not win World Series that year and only won 90-some odd games the year after. Patient may be suffering from BSS, Buck Showalter Syndrome, a feeling that no baseball team can win a World Series with you on it. 7/26 ? Patient distraught over fight with opposing Red Sox player. Regression therapy took him back to schoolyard fights he endured as a boy, when kids would taunt him about being the first kid on his block to use gel to keep his hair in place. Great progress by end of session, as Patient came up with another startling insight: ?Maybe Boston fans hate me because I was supposed to be playing there.? 10/5 ? Season has ended, and Patient very agitated. At one point, blurted out: ?What do they want from me? Since when is hitting 36 home runs and driving in 106 runs a bad season?? Incurred Patient?s wrath when I suggested that I could put up similar numbers if someone let me hit between Gary Sheffield and Hideki Matsui. 10/23 ? Nearly lost Patient?s services today. Entire hour was spent talking about what he called ?The Slap?. Patient insists he did nothing wrong knocking ball out of Bronson Arroyo?s glove. Patient delusional at times. Referred constantly to Arroyo as ?Brandon? and said that if Golden Boy had slapped the ball out of his glove, the runs would?ve stood and the Yankees would?ve won Game 6. Patient insisted on my opinion of the incident, and I regretfully sided with umpires. Patient threatened to withdraw his services. As I am building new extension on my house and looking to buy my son a horse, I hurriedly shifted gears and assured Patient he had made a smart, aggressive play. 11/3 ? Another day of insecurities, as Patient wondered if Red Sox would?ve won World Series with him playing shortstop, and if Yankees would?ve been better off with Mike Lamb playing third base. Looks like BSS is rearing its ugly head. Patient referred to Red Sox as ?my daddies?. Oh dear. Thankfully, my son is enjoying his horse, and Patient seems to have no problem with my new rate increase, to $225 an hour. But he still owes me for September sessions. The preceeding article is a piece of satirical fiction.