by buster gunning While In Japan signing some papers to finalize his importing/exporting venture, Buster Gunning, a veritable ?jack of all sports and trades? discovered something quite unusual about Japanese born baseball player turned American sporting phenom Ichiro Suzuki. After sealing my very important Big League Chew bubble gum deal I decided to unwind a little at a local bar. Drunk and stumblebum, I overheard some very interesting rumors pertaining to a local factory producing more than just your average robotics equipment. The gossiper?s breath leaked of Saki, but something told me that he would be very reliable source and that I should move on this right away. After getting my third ?message? of the day, I made my way to a factory just outside of Tokyo that was said to be manufacturing humanoid robots to be shipped to the United States to infiltrate the high-paying Baseball circuits, their main target being the MLB which provides the biggest returns on investment. Ichiro Suzuki of the Seattle Mariners was said to be one of their most prolific models. If this was indeed true I would have to expose this and perhaps make loads of money on a book deal just like my nemesis Jose Canseco. Lamentably the factory did not exist, I was following a drunken lead. Hating to be beaten, I was not about to quit and with the rest of my cash I made a trip out to talk to some of the family of this all-to-inhuman superstar. Speaking with one of his closest cousins, I was assured that he was not some sort of cybernetic android. I was inclined to believe them, as he seemed very honest and efficient. As we moved away from the robot talk, I was curious as to what he thought about the prospect of Ichiro hitting .400. It was then that I leaned a very unusual secret. ?.400 is not a problem for Ichiro, he could hit .400 very easily.? ?Really, then why hasn?t he hit it?? I replied in utter confusion. ?Oh, Ichiro is very polite; he wouldn?t want to make the other players in the league look bad.? He replied frankly. ?Ichiro doesn?t want to make waves. Get it, make waves?? I was shocked. ?Are you kidding, what about his performance last year, he hit .372. It seemed to me and everybody else watching that he was chasing .400, critics said he was stat-padding. He even went as far as to break the record with most hits in a season. And yes, I get it.? ?He was just messing around. The hits record came as an accident. Afterward he felt very dishonored from his actions.? With that, I thanked him for his time and left. It was time for me to return home. Besides, RealGM had not yet sent me my expense check from a trip to the Ganges that took place over three months ago. I could ill-afford to spend any more Yen in this over-priced land and I had eaten my last square watermelon. Was it all just a game to Ichiro? Was he just being ?polite?? It could certainly be possible, his .429 batting average after the All-Star break last season was remarkable. No, I decided, it was just not feasible. It is more likely that he is some sort of cybernetic android trained to hit singles with regularity. The preceeding article is a piece of satirical fiction. Buster Gunning can be reached at [email protected]