By Buster Gunning I recently had the opportunity to take in a Red Sox/Yankees baseball game with the Democratic Party?s 2004 representative, the man who might have been president, Senator John Kerry. Kerry called me personally and offered to treat me to a day at the old ballpark to, as he described it, ?watch his Massachusetts Red Sox take on their rivals, the New York YankeeBockers? On the whole, the game was not very exciting; however, super-fan John Kerry seemed very entertained and was very vocal throughout the entire contest. Mr. Kerry could not refrain from his incessant heckling of his most hated player, Derek Rodriguez. ?Derek, go back to the Texas Mariners where you belong you bum!? repeated Senator Kerry every time Mr. Rodriguez stepped to the plate. On the flip side, he was the first to cheer his beloved Red Sox and with Arroyo pitching, sang Aroyo?s Boston anthem ?Muddy Waters? every time the young pitcher/musician stuck out a Yankee batter. ?I love that dirty water, Boston, I am at my home!? This was immediately followed by a pump of the fist and a feeble attempt to get yet another wave started with the crowd. Between his cheering and heckling bouts, Mr. Kerry lavished in what he called, ?Reasonably priced cracker jacks? and ?the common-man?s beer.? After a beer and a half he became very rowdy and in one of the more embarrassing moments of the evening, he sang the famous seventh inning stretch tune, ?Take Me Out To The Ballgame? at the top of his presidential lungs in the bottom of the fourth inning and again during the top of the eighth. All and all it was a good time and Senator Kerry gave me a sound bite to relay to all the Massachusetts (Boston) Red Sox fans: ?As the Red Sox #1 fan, I would just like to thank the fans and players for all their support. The fine hustle of such great players like Manny Ortiz have made losing the election that much easier for me to handle. I love you all and my only wish is that I did not come to these games sooner as they are such fun. If I had another wish it would be for Johnny Damon to cut his sideburns and shaggy hair. He looks like a damn hippy!? You can reach Buster Gunning at his fortress of precipitation via email at [email protected] The preceding article was a piece of satirical fiction.