Locker Talk

A-Rod: Madonna Will Win Me A World Series

By Christopher Reina

by Buster Gunning

Yankees' third baseman Alex Rodriguez has been in the news over the past few months just as much for his personal exploits as his play on the diamond.

Of course, New York's absence from the postseason didn't help, but Rodriguez's divorce from his wife, Cynthia, was a hot topic in the papers and online even during the regular season.

The latest involving A-Rod is that he's getting hot-and-heavy with Madonna, perhaps the most recognizable pop star of her generation.

Just months after Alex and Cynthia filed their paper work, Madonna and Guy Ritchie followed suit, opening up the possibility for the two lovebirds to canoodle without consequence.

Now Alex is attending Kabbalah services with Madonna and her unibrowed daughter, and towards the end of the 2008 season Madonna appeared numerous times at Yankee Stadium to see her Dominican heartthrob field third.

Alex sat down with RealGM on Wednesday to discuss the 2008 season, the developments surrounding his relationship with Madonna and what to expect next season.

"I really can't wait for the 2009 season to start," Rodriguez said. "I feel as though I'm in much better position to succeed with Maddy (he smiles and pauses). "Sorry, that's my pet name for her."

Rodriguez hasn't had any lack of personal success during his time with the Yankees, but New York hasn't won a World Series since 2000, well before A-Rod came to the Bronx.

"I've done some great things as an individual in New York," he said. "But in 2009, with some improved pitching and Madonna at my side, I'm ready to bring a World Series title to the Bronx."

Cynthia provided Alex with a pair of beautiful children, but Alex claims that Madonna will help bring him an even greater gift.

"I love my kids and Cynthia was truly a fox before she stopped going to the gym twice a day," Rodriguez admitted. "Now with my improved focus, better conditioning and my new religion, there's nothing I feel I can't do on the baseball field."

Rodriguez is considered one of the game's best third baseman, but the Yankees have considerable issues to confront this winter.

"I called Brian [Cashman] a few days after the season ended," Alex said. "I told him not to worry about who he is and isn't going to sign. I know we need pitching, but Madonna and I hit the gym at least four times a day, I'm working on a pretty nasty two-seam fastball. I think I can pitch every fifth day this coming season."

Manager Joe Girardi isn't thrilled at the thought of losing his top-flight third baseman at least once a week should Rodriguez find his way into the rotation, but Alex, who can be a very convincing man, eased Joe's concerns.

"Joe is hesitant to lose my defense should I join the rotation, which I will, but I told him not to worry," A-Rod said. "I'm going to wear a third baseman's glove on the mound and charge to third right after I deliver to home plate.

"I plan to become the first-ever Cy Young winner to hit 50 home runs."

Once again, Alex has to know that say, 25 wins and 50 homers, won't be enough for the Yankee faithful to embrace him the way they do Derek Jeter.

"I'll take care of that too," he continued. "Madonna has assured me that converting from Catholicism to Kabbalah will ensure a championship for the Yankees.

"I'll finally be welcomed with open arms in the Bronx."

Can Madonna help the Yankees ended their recent October struggles?: Buster.Gunning@RealGM.com

The preceding article was a piece of satirical fiction.

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71-Year Old Rookie Clay Council?s MLB Debut A Disaster

By Christopher Reina

By Buster Gunning

Josh Hamilton may have lifted the spirits of the bored, homerun-hungry 2008 All-Star crowd with his long home runs and storied past; however, the real story was the disastrous debut of what would have been Major League Baseball?s oldest rookie pitcher 71-year-old Clay Council.

The focus on surprise slugger Josh Hamilton may have been a distraction from the real tragedy that painfully unfolded before the eyes of millions of rabid All-Star Home Run Derby spectators.

Now, less than a week after the meltdown, I have been granted an exclusive interview with the man who worked so hard to infiltrate the MLB, only to fall ridiculously short of his Major League dreams.

Buster ? Clay, thank you so very much for being here, I can?t imagine what it is like for you to be seen at your local neighborhood restaurant Applebee?s so soon after your less than miserable pitching debut.

Clay ? Well, at first Buster, I didn?t think I could do this interview; however, the promise of extreme Jalape?o Poppers was too much to resist.

Buster ? Let?s get right to this. Why?d you choke out there, Clay? I had a lot riding on you, emotionally and financially you know.

Clay ? Well, I have been playing baseball since I was 6. I had been close to cracking Single A a few times but just couldn?t get my ERA below 10.00. As a result, I settled on coaching high school baseball. After a few decades of trying to live vicariously through my pupils, I found one talent that was sure to take ME to the top.

Buster ? That Hamilton guy?

Clay ? The same. Anyway, after Josh was drafted #1, I was sure to ride his coattails to a monster MLB career. After a few years of training and heavy steroid abuse I got my big break. Josh was clean and asked me to pitch to him in the 2008 Home Run Derby.

Buster ? So what went wrong?

Clay ? That ungrateful little [expletive deleted]. I threw my best stuff out there, and he shelled me on national television. My curve ball wouldn?t stop hanging; my fastball lacked velocity; and my change-up, well, I don?t want to talk about my change-up.

Buster ? So what?s next for the man who could have been the oldest rookie in Major League Baseball?

Clay ? That?s it for me, Buster. Might as well face facts and throw in the towel. I am already moving to one of those crap states to retire. You know, Arizona, Florida, maybe California.

Special thanks to the Raleigh Applebee?s staff for volunteering to stay long after they were supposed to have closed.

What?s your favorite crappy chain restaurant?: Buster.Gunning@realgm.com

The preceding article was a piece of satirical fiction.

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Mike Piazza Signs Ten-Million Dollar Deal With Pert Plus

By Christopher Reina

By Buster Gunning

Now that he is officially out of Major League Baseball, future Hall of Fame catcher Mike Piazza is returning to his first love, commercial acting.

"I'm not gay!?

This old quote taken from the New York Times declared by the future Hall of Fame catcher is more relevant today than ever before as Mike Piazza gets set to start a second major advertising campaign for America?s most beloved shampoo/conditioner combo.

In a recent announcement, Benjamin Millburn, director in charge of the Pert Plus brand echoed the excitement around the Pert camp.

?We are very happy to announce that retired New York Mets catcher Mike Piazza will be joining us for a second tour. We believe Mike was crucial in getting Pert to the public back in the 90?s, and now that he has more time to devote to the campaign, we are confident we can get our unique blend of shampoo and conditioner lathered in one out of every two heads across the nation.?

Millburn went on to say:

?We like Mike Piazza because of his ability to attract both the female and male clientele. His elegantly flowing soft curls are essential to the proper representation of our quality product. In addition, there isn?t a member on staff who doesn?t adore his little mustache; that alone is worth the ten million dollars, wouldn?t you say??

Mike Piazza is busy enjoying some much needed time off and declined to respond in detail; however, he did have the following comment:

"I can't control what people think. I am married to a Playboy Playmate, and I even had a child with her. I think that proves it; doesn't it?"

Eric Karros or Mike Piazza? You Decide?: Buster.Gunning@realgm.com

The preceding article was a piece of satirical fiction.

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A-Rod: I Want To Play Shortstop Or Else

A-Rod is still unhappy in New York, and his latest demand has him taking back the coveted shortstop position as well as taking the legal name of Derek Jeter along with all the media benefits that come with said name.

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Clemens Claims It Was Garth Brooks At The Canseco Party

In his latest statement, Roger Clemens denies being at Jose Canseco's party and claims the video footage portraying him at the shindig was actually country music legend Garth Brooks.

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MLB Using Recent Success Of Expansion Teams As An Excuse To Expand

With two recent expansion teams finishing in the top four this season, Major League Baseball is wasting no time in projecting this success as a reason for expansion.

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I Hate It When Expansion Teams Win Anything!

This season of expansion success began in February when Peyton Manning?s Johnny-come latelys won the Super Bowl. Then came the horrible NBA playoffs, when the ABA leftover San Antonio Spurs (formerly known as the Dallas Chaparrals) beat the expansion Cleveland Cavaliers. And now the Rockies are in the World Series.

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Rays Fan Embarrassingly Not Allowed Into Lower Level Seats

In a recent victory over the Boston Red Sox, which saw an estimated 400 ?fans? in attendance at best, avid Devil Rays fan Robert Nickle was denied access to the lower levels to view the extra-innings win.

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Slugger Prince Fielder Isn?t Even A Real Prince

Not since Buster Gunning uncovered that eerie truth proving that NFL running back Priest Holmes wasn?t even a member of the Catholic clergy has there been such turmoil surrounding professional sports. After over a year of research, it has been determined that Prince Fielder, son of former MLB slugger Cecil Fielder is not an actual prince!

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